The Never Ending Battle
I believe that there must be a time in every diabetic's life when they've been pushed to a point with the disease where they've just had it. I even further believe that every diabetic has their own personal way of coping with their disease. Whether this coping mechanism is by staying in the best control possible, to cheating here and there in the diet, or by just deciding to ignore the disease and move on through life as if a "normal" person. The disease is a constant battle day to day. For some, it may be a bit more trying than for others. Still, for all of us who possess the disease, we are all in the same constant battle together.
Hi, my name is Kim, I'm 27 years old and I've had Type 1, or Juvenile Diabetes for 19 of those 27 years. My blood sugar was 986mg/dl at the time of diagnosis. The hospital informed my parents that if they had not taken me in the night they did, that I would not have lived to the next morning. I began my new way of life with diabetes taking insulin by syringe- two to three needles a day in the arms, legs, or abdomen. As I would think it is with every young diabetic, it was very difficult for me to try to "fit in" with the "normal" people while trying also to monitor my disease. I coped and cooperated as much as I could in my early years. About 10 years after diagnosis, while in my teens, I went into a rebellious state. I chose to ignore my daily diabetic routine, and instead indulged in a more "normal" routine. Early adulthood was the time in my life when the ignorance and neglect of my disease caught up with me.
Perhaps if there had been more informational resources about the disease, and fewer doctors who made my mind spin in circles at every visit, then maybe it would have been a bit easier for me to understand the whole picture. Of course, I do realize that the major factor that caused the damage that's been done was me. It was the summer of 1998 when I began to notice the eye complications. Although those years of neglect and ignorance provided me with a sense of freedom, they too provided me with the beginning of serious complication. Much to my dismay, my so-thought freedom turned out to be my enemy. I was never totally free from the disease in the long run. Anyone who has diabetes is never totally free of the disease. Even at those times when I'd indulge in my favorite snacks, at any time I pleased, the guilty conscience was always there. And even though I continued to take my daily injections, I knew deep down that I was not doing enough. I was not in control of my disease. Instead, it had control over me. The threat of complications was something that never seemed to bother me during my time of rebellion. Stroke, kidney failure, amputations, and blindness- these things would never happen to me. I think that many diabetics have this false sense of indestructibility early in the disease. Unfortunately, diabetes has its own subtle, sneaky ways of tearing a person apart day after day. Sometimes, the person being torn apart does not even realize what is happening to their body until it is too late to counteract the destruction.
Those later years of my young adulthood when I neglected to see my endocrinologist and failed to monitor my blood sugars led to an early diagnosis of legal blindness. At 21 years old, I was convinced that my eyesight was leaving me. I lost my ability to drive, I lost my job of 10 years, and I was lost. Everything from this point on began happening so fast, it's difficult to recall exactly how I ended up where I have. During the same time of undergoing many retinal surgeries, both invasive and laser, I began seeing an endocrinologist once again on a regular basis. It was at this time that I was introduced to insulin pump therapy. It did not take too long for me to grow comfortable with the idea. Granted, the insulin pump is not the look and feel that everyone is seeking. The benefits of insulin pump therapy greatly outweigh the awkwardness of it however. With a lot of credit given to the insulin pump, and the same amount of credit, if not more given to myself, I've regained much of my eyesight. I am now in better control of the disease than I ever had been in earlier years. The guilty conscience is no longer a part of my life, and I intend on sustaining the control and the eyesight at the points in which I have them now. The insulin pump has helped to give me a real sense of freedom- a freedom that I won't regret making the best of, unlike before.
Life for me with diabetes has been a roller coaster ride. The threat of blindness convinced me to keep better control of my disease. Still, even with an insulin pump, there are those days of low and high blood sugars. The disease is a never-ending battle. The battle is one that if I had my own choice about, I would not take on, as I would think that every diabetic in history would agree. Since I do not have a say in the matter however, I try to look at the battle as my teacher. With each low and high blood sugar, there comes a lesson as well. And since I have no authority over this battle, I choose to learn and try to better myself with these lessons. As frustrating as many of these lessons tend to be, I choose to go on with the battle. There are always times when the disease breaks my spirit. I can't tell you how many times the frustration has led me to tears- silent tears of course. I try my best to keep my battle with diabetes to myself so not to affect the people around me. Only another diabetic would truly understand the heartache and disappointment of the disease anyway. Every one of us who has diabetes will have to face the ultimate truth I think, and that is that we will always be the underdog in this constant battle. In order for diabetes to be classified as a battle for someone, there has to exist a comparable party on each side of the line. On the diabetic's side exist will power, determination, perseverance, patience, endurance, and strength of mind. On the diabetes side exists, well, only diabetes. I think that if the qualities above can be discovered in us as diabetics, then this should be enough to pose a challenging fight against the disease. If we as diabetics believe in ourselves and in our self-determination, we are then capable of keeping both sides of the line at an equal advantage throughout a long life. It may not be an easy life at times, but nonetheless, it can be a long one. And it may be difficult to believe that these qualities exist in you, but trust me, they are there.
Through my own almost 20 years with diabetes, I've had the opportunity to observe the dynamically changing fields of medical technology, physician care, and advancement in improving the quality of life of a diabetic. The increasingly growing number of diabetics in the World today is absolutely astounding. I often question whether diabetes is more prevalent today due to the advancements in technology and care, or due to the fact that people are more knowledgeable of the symptoms and the disease itself. Either way, with the advancements in all of these fields today, a person with diabetes is at a much lower risk of acquiring complications later in life if they practice the appropriate precautionary measures with their disease.
Now even though I realize that my eyesight is in great jeopardy due to what it's been through already, I choose to put an even greater effort than before on trying to prevent further complications. My roller coaster journey with diabetes has brought me in touch with many aspects of life that I do not believe I would have encountered without the disease. And as weird as it may seem, I cannot imagine a life without diabetes. I'm not saying that I would not welcome a "normal" life, but a "normal" life would certainly be quite strange. Without diabetes I may have never crossed paths with some of the most awesome people I know today. And I definitely would not be in a rewarding career like the one I'm in had it not been for diabetes. Still, I am not thankful for having the disease at all. Although, some believe that we who have the disease should be thankful to "God" for not allowing it to be something worse- I lost whatever faith or belief existed in me of "God" at the early age of 8 when I asked "him" to please not let this be diabetes in me. I've believed in myself, and only myself from that point on. I would not wish the curse of diabetes upon even my worst enemy. And I'd like all of those diabetics out there who feel as if they're in it alone to know that they're definitely not. I know that many of us must have some of the very same thoughts and opinions regarding the disease, and I think it's important to know that there are others out there who feel the same. Now when people tell me that it could have been something a lot worse, I defend my non-existent view of "God" and tell them, true, but it also could have been something a lot better. I do not put all of my faith in doctors either- after 19 years with the disease, I still go to doctors, and 9 times out of 10, come out of the office with no answers to my questions, and no results. It's a shame to think that even after all of the money we put toward our health insurances that a diabetic must still be their own self-advocate for most things. This is where the importance of learning from the disease comes in. Recent events have strengthened my belief in the old saying that "things happen for a reason". From the people I've met, to the lessons I've learned with the disease, I am actually able to realize some of the reasons for many of the things, which have happened in my life. I'm still searching for the reasons for many of the other happenings in my life however. I guess life in general is a never-ending lesson though huh?
The never-ending battle, and some of the lessons I've learned are things that I'm glad I did not have to face alone. Among those people who have stood by me throughout my battle, I owe my mom so very much for being there for me. Even though at times I was, and still am a royal pain in the ass about the disease, she did, and does her absolute best to try to keep the disease from getting the best of me. Any parent who has to watch their own child suffer with a burden such as this, who can still maintain their own mental stability while going through the trivial of this burden, and provide the desperately needed support to the child is truly a hero. Thank you to my mom. And I believe I speak for all diabetics whose parents have taken on the battle against diabetes next to their children- thank you.
If you have diabetes, have recently been diagnosed with diabetes, or are suffering from complications of the disease, just try to remember that this is not the end. Even though at times you may feel like you're in this battle alone, you're not. Try to look at the things you're going through with the disease as lessons, and each new obstacle you may be faced with, as new doors. And whatever you do, try to keep in mind that these new doors have been put there to be opened- and by opening the door, you're letting diabetes know that you're still standing strong on your side of the line in the battle. Stay determined- you just may be surprised when you discover those reasons for the things that have happened in your life as well. For every diabetic out there, my thoughts and bright wishes are with you- we're in it together!
Thanks for taking the time to get to know me a bit! I know that I've gone through a gamut of issues in my story above, and I expect that I've left some confusion with some people who have read it. I've omitted some of the details of my story to save space for others' stories on the website. Therefore, if anyone has any questions regarding anything I've mentioned above please feel free to contact me. Please contact me even if you just want to talk, cry, or complain- I'd love to hear from you! Email me
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